Kale's Law

Kale's Law

Simply put, Kale's Law (which is based on extensive and in-depth research covering current situation, modern history and sound reasoning) brings out how the world has always been ruled by the clean-shaven. Due to the very nature of the subject, the study does not include the pre-razor era when the people simply did not shave because the shaving was rather painful and people preferred to be grizzly than be in tears. The research undertaken till date is extensive and excludes people of some religious faith like Sikhs and the like.
Like all great laws and discoveries, Kale's Law was also discovered quite accidentally. It all happened a few years ago when I was in Surabaya. Some of my close friends had come to my residence for a relaxed evening and we were enjoying a tête-à-tête while consuming the local "Bintang" beer! For apparently no specific reason, the topic of discussion turned to the capo de tutti capi of all the industries around us and I realised, by a quick headcount of the top echelon of the Surabaya Corporate hierarchy that every Numero Uno was, without exception, without a moustache!! This Law, which was later on named to honour Yours Truly as Kale's Law, hit me right between my eyes and when I told it to the august gathering of my friends, there was a pin-drop silence and (rare) instant unanimity. My observation was so accurate and my conclusions so audacious that all of them unanimously volunteered to spare their personal time to collect data from all walks of life for conducting an in-depth study it deserved.
The basic data compiled way back in 1987 is quite voluminous and I have been adding to it as I went along from one job/city to another job/city. If during my stint in Pune, I found excellent correlation between corporate leaders and the area just above their upper lips, my 1992/93 study of corporate leaders and their upper lips from Jakarta and Malaysia took my breath away! It is with immense pleasure and great pride that I present here only the "executive summary" of my comprehensive (and voluminous) report.
As mentioned earlier, this study concerns the area between the lower end of the nose and the upper lip and comes out with success stories or failures of people with bushy growth there from people who are clean-shaven.
Apart from the success story on the corporate ladder, a look at recent history also brings out startling confirmation of Kale's Law. Do you know why the US is the only superpower today? Just a look at all its Presidents starting from President Roosevelt through Truman, Ike, JFK, Johnson, Nixon, (even Ford and Carter), Reagan, Bush Sr, Clinton and the incumbent Bush Jr. will tell you the real reason. (Bush Sr and Jr, though their name includes 'bush' did not have a bushy growth on their upper lip.) Yes, they all were (and are) clean shaven! Kale's Law has taken such firm roots in the US that none of the three political parties dares field a moustachioed candidate for the Presidential election. I understand from reliable sources that the political strategists (or 'handlers' as they are derogatively called) tell their respective candidates who wish to enter the Presidential race, "Go get rid of that bush before you turn up in New Hampshire!"
The Prime Ministers of UK present an impressive scenario in support of Kale's Law. Clement Atlee, who presided over the dissolution of the mighty British Empire, sported a moustache. Eventually he made way for clean-shaven Sir Winston Churchill. Many ignorant people think that it was the Suez war which caused the downfall of Sir Anthony Eden. But the truth is.…you got it!. Had Harold Macmillan been clean-shaven, chances are more than even that he would have survived the killer (Keeler?) storm involving his defence minister Profumo!
It is not for nothing that Harold Wilson is considered the smartest of 'em all: In his younger days, when one could be excused for being ignorant, he did sport a moustache, but he was just too smart to miss the significance of Kale's Law and well before the PM's post loomed large in front of him, he got rid of (what would have been) a fatal flaw in his persona and ruled UK with a clean-shaven visage. He was the longest reigning PM of UK in recent times until his record was shattered by Lady Margaret Thatcher.
Most of the elected leaders of UK who had moustache, had short terms. For example Clement Atlee, Sir Anthony Eden, Harold Macmillan, etc, though exceptions like Howe, Callaghan and Heath help to prove the rule. It is not clear whether John Major sports a moustache or not. On TV it seems he does, but it is reliably learnt that actually he doesn't. But looking at the fact that he survived quite long in the office, I have no doubt that he is clean-shaven.
Our study, which is free of all geographical boundaries and gender discrimination, confirmed what our wives always knew: that the female of the specie is far superior to the male one. It is not clear why God did it, but this self-defeating step was probably taken by Him (who, to the best of my knowledge and belief, belongs to the male specie) in one of His weaker moments when He gave Eve a clean upper lip while denying this parity to Adam. No wonder that whenever the women decided to take charge, they had a reasonably long innings - be it Lady Margaret Thatcher, Mrs. Indira Gandhi, Mrs. Sirimavo Bandarnayake etc. Benazir Bhutto, the only female PM of Pakistan also did not do too badly!
There is a misconception that Hitler lost the Second World War because he invaded Russia. Some others feel that it was because the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbour (dragging America into the war) instead of attacking Vladivostok (which would have drawn the Russian Bear away from Hitler). With Allies led by clean-shaven Roosevelt, Churchill and Charles De Gaulle (handlebar moustache of Stalin notwithstanding), the Axis powers had no chance no chance to win. As if the Fuehrer with his "Hitler-cut" wasn't bad enough, the Japanese PM Tojo also sported a moustache, clean-shaven Mussolini notwithstanding. When we enter the ethereal world of "What if", I am quite convinced that if Hitler had shaved off his you-know-what, the result of WW II would have been quite different. Or if Stalin had been clean shaven, the war wouldn't have dragged for 6-7 years or if Chamberlain (who had a growth on his upper lip) had continued as the PM of UK, Hitler would have won the war without firing a single bullet.
Look at India. Our ex-PM Lal Bahadur Shastri, although he led India so well in his short stay, had a very short tenure. His predecessor (Pandit Jawaharlal Nehru) and successors (Mrs. Indira Gandhi and Rajiv Gandhi) were with clean upper lips and had long innings. Then came V. P. Singh. If his moustache finished his administration in nine months, you can imagine the fate of the administration that followed. With the area around both his lips so well adorned by the bushy growth, Chandrashekhar had simply no chance of continuing for long. Then came PV Narasimha Rao. With his clean-shaven visage, he exceeded all the expectations and completed a full term and liberated India of the Licence Raj and took her into to the Global era. I hope someone in India or this group sends this article to Mr. LK Advani, drawing his attention particularly to the action taken by Harold Wilson. If he wants to be India's PM, well….! Now at least you know what he needs to do!!
A look at the Communist leadership tells another story. With Karl Marx, Lenin and Stalin, they had a horrible start. His successors, including Bulganin, didn't help. Nikita Kruschev was the first one to spot Kale's Law. He was so convinced of it that he didn't stop at his lips, but carried the razor to his crown as well. But his rearguard action came too late to salvage the damage done by the peers. Although Kosygin, Breznev, Gorbachev and Yeltsin have been following Kale's Law, this rearguard action was too late to be of any use.
Japanese may not be known as great inventors of things, but are very good at studying, perfecting and exploiting others' inventions. After they came to know Kale's Law, they perfected it to an extent that you will hardly see moustachioed Japanese. The least publicised reason of Japanese economic miracle is their adherence to Kale's Law.
I appeal to the readers who sport moustache to take note and (if convinced), lift their razors and do the "needful".
And ladies always encourage your husband to grow moustache so that you always have an "edge" over him.
Acknowledgement:
I am grateful to Ms. Jane Campbell, Mr. Steve Baines and Mr. Vic Halim of The British Council, Jakarta for their kind help in providing some missing information about the ex-PMs of UK who have appeared in this article, particularly about Harold Wilson.
Sudhir Kale, Jakarta
PS: Let me end this article by mentioning that I worked for Mr. LN Mittal for 6 years in his flagship company PT Ispat Indo. He was a young and struggling entrepreneur then and had to work very hard in the days steel plants were not always making money. He did have a moustache.
Later he started calling himself as Lakshmi Mittal and is now the pride of India because he is No.1 steel producer in the world. Like in the case of British Empire of bygone era, the sun does set on his steel empire (Mittal Steel) today. Call it coincidence or whatever; but the fact is that he does not sport a moustache any more!
PPS: L K Advani again lost, not because he is a bad leader, but he doesn't see writing on his upper lip!
It's time to consider Sushama Swaraj or Arun Jetley in future PM's slot.